I don't want to go to school!

I don't want to go to school!  I don't want my little Penelope to go to school!  I complain about her all the time but the truth is, I would not trade her annoying, challenging, annoying, pest like behavior for anything.  I got a call from her teacher yesterday and I gave her my blessing because I worry for her, the teacher, not Penelope.  Still, I'm a little sad that I won't have someone home with me all day to whine about.  I'm even more sad about the fact that I no longer have an excuse for my house looking like a tornado went through it.  Does this mean I have to actually pick things up and not blame it on the girls?  Am I still a stay at home mom or am I a part-time mom as well as a house maid?  How do things work now?  Is it possible to already have empty nest syndrome?  Well guys, welcome to my next stage of motherhood, I'll let you know how it goes!

OMG! OMG YOU GUYS!

                                 
OMG! You guys! Do I have a treat for you!  Put that bagel down, before digging into your breakfast this morning, get to this!  So, you know about Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" campaign, right?  Well, The Berenstain Bears LIVE! and sponsors NY Metro Parents,  Manhattan Movement and Arts Center and Theatermania partner to bring Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” to Bear Country, featuring a FREE performance of The Berenstain Bears LIVE! The first 100 families who download our “Let’s Move in Bear Country” pledge found at www.BerenstainBearsLive.com/LetsMove will be awarded two tickets to the event, which includes a pre-show Healthy Snacktime, a FREE performance, a post-show dance lesson, and face painting and photos with the Bears. “Let’s Move in Bear Country” takes place on Sunday, September 25th at 3:30pm at Manhattan Movement and Arts Center.
THE FIRST 100 FAMILIES who go to www.BerenstainBearsLive.com/LetsMove and download the Let’s Move In Bear Country pledge will be eligible for a free pair of tickets to The Berenstain Bears LIVE! Like Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” initiative, the pledge asks families to think about their food choices while striving towards a more active lifestyle.

“Let’s Move in Bear Country” will include:

·        A pre –show Healthy Snacktime that includes healthy recipes and snacks from celebrity cookbooks

·        A free performance of The Berenstain Bears LIVE! in Family Matters, the Musical

·        An interactive “Let’s Move” dance taught by The Berenstain Bear Family

·        Face painting and Photos with The Berenstain Bears

Adapted from the classic children’s book series by Stan and Jan Berenstain, The Berenstain Bears LIVE! in Family Matters, the Musical brings everyone’s favorite bear family to life in a thrilling theatrical experience that kids as well as their parents will treasure for many years to come. The newest Off-Broadway musical for Mamas, Papas, and Young Cubs in NYC, The Berenstain Bears LIVE! will give boys and girls of all ages the chance to fall in love with these characters, just as their parents did when they were growing up. The Berenstain Bears LIVE! features an original score by Michael Borton and a book by Borton and Michael Slade.

My evening prayer.

You've got to me kidding me!  Hey God!  Yeah you, the big guy that gives good people, good things?  Why did you decide to throw a freaking monsoon my way when I finally got the chance to do some back to school shopping?  Really?  My bad!  I've been caring for my father, you know, honor thy father?  Why on earth would you do this to me?  You know I just donated my rain boots because they make my feet sweat.  Really?  You had to drench my sparkly shoes?  They're sparkly and bring happiness to any outfit?  Then you shut the lights out in the mall which resulted them in closing at 6, no heads up?  No "signs", nada?  You really let me drive in rain traffic and get there at 6:05, get out of the car, open 3 umbrellas, finagle holding my umbrella with my chin while holding the points of the girls umbrellas so that they didn't get hit by a car in the parking lot, get drenched and finally get to the sign at the door that says, "We're closed".  Why?  I'm a good person and you forced me to go out with two children who insisted on wearing crocs today and then complained about having wet feet all day.  Thanks God... No, really thanks... I'm not bitter or anything.  Really...

Almost forgot!

Amen.

Whenever there is a mom in need...

This past weekend I decided to make the rounds my father used to make with me with my girls.  We did it all, Central Park Zoo, a visit to Alice, The Plaza, FAO and a horse and carriage ride.  I have this gift, at least I like to think of it that way and the gift is that people just feel like they can talk to me.  My sister simply calls me Santa Clause because it is REALLY weird sometimes.  I even sometimes get children lined up at my table in restaurants.  It's pretty odd and VERY annoying at times but I accept it.
At every stop we made this weekend, a mom in need would talk to me.  One asked me if my shoes were comfortable, another asked me what color polish I was wearing, another asked me how comfortable my stroller was and alas my favorite mom in need was at the zoo.  I was taking pictures of those monkeys with the pink behinds (too lazy to Google) and I heard a little voice yell, "Shut up! Leave me alone!" I turned around to see the most beautiful and angriest little boy I have ever seen.  Seriously, he was gorgeous.  He was yelling at his mother who was super stylish and gorgeous as well.  The mother turned to me and said, "What do I do?!", I looked at her and I looked at her tiny son and said to her, "Nothing, there are too many people around and you don't want to go to jail." Thankfully, she laughed at my sarcastic comment, thanked me and went on her way.  My husband saw my new friend and asked me what was going on, I told him the story and he said the best thing he could have ever said and completely redeemed himself from telling me he married me for my great personality (I know! What an a-hole!), he said, "I always thought you were my supermom but it looks like you are everyone else's as well".  Then I quickly remembered that if I admit at that moment that it was the nicest thing I ever heard, even nicer than the man who told me he wanted to F-me, I might have to "reward" him and I then just thanked him and tucked my cape back into my shirt.  

What the eff?!

It has been a looonnnng 2 weeks!  My dad has been sick, I've been showering off the hospital smell every night, Sophia cut Penelope's hair and my girls learned how to hip thrust!  Here are my what the eff moments of the week!

Why do husbands never listen?  I know they think we nag but we wouldn't nag if they listened right?  What the eff?!  If Luis would have put the scissors away like I ALWAYS tell him to, Sophia would had never cut Penelope's hair into a mullet.  Why she do it on Luis' watch?  Did this really have to happen on mine?  What the eff?!  Wait until your father is watching you to do such things!  This way I can really nag!

Skinnies, how do you think it feels when you say that the sole reason you do not want to have children is because you don't want to ruin your body?  What the eff?!  So, what you are saying is that I traumatized you?  Do I look that horrendous?  If so, you're welcome because such superficial people don't deserve the gift of pitter patter anyway.  Yeah, I said it!

Yes, my family is just what I always wanted it to be and when you ask me if I want a third, remember how difficult it was for me to have a first and second.  Baby fever is totally normal!  Everyone gets it at some point and no it isn't because I want a boy!  What the eff?!  Why are people always trying to shove a penis down my throat?  Wow, that last sentence sounded a lot better in my brain.  What the eff?!  If I do every have another baby, I don't care what it is and you shouldn't either!

Geeze Rio!  I didn't expect my daughters to start to hip thrust after watching this movie and they do it all the time!  Even in public! If I had a smokin' body, people would be under the impression that I was a stripper!  On that note, thank you for teaching my daughters to dance like strippers!  What the eff?!  My daughters are freaking non-stop hip thrusting machines!  Damn you, Rio!

Ben and Jerry's?  Really?  You are going to let this lady down when she really wants a cone of pistachio ice cream?  Why only sell it in a pint?  It's "the man", must be!  "The man" wants me to be fat!  How dare you tempt me in such ways!  Of course I could inhale a pint of ice cream!  That's why I only order one scoop!  What the eff?!  You should sell pistachio by the cone!  Isn't it a popular flavor?

Hey lady who stood in front of my girls yesterday while we were watching the seals in the Central Park Zoo.  You are lucky that I was so hot and didn't have the energy to argue.  Who stands in front of children?  What the eff?!  You should have known better but you were also wearing a fanny pack so, I digress.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Labor Day weekend!  Thanks again for reading!

How do you know?

(To the tune of "How do you know", if you don't know what song that is, click the link) How do you know you are done?  How do you know?  You're done!  I feel like a fake.  I feel like my blog is all fake.  Another day, another diaper.  I have not seen the face of a diaper in over a year.  I know! A sham!  But seriously, that's not what I want to talk about.  I have been talking to many of my friends lately and asking them, how did you know it was your time to stop having more children. Some of them have a pretty clear answer.  They have told me it is because of financial reasons, divorce and not wanting to have children by different fathers, they never wanted to have kids and just had 2 because they didn't want to have one (yes, someone told me that) but even though the answers are pretty clear, many of them still struggle or have struggled with making their decision permanent.
How does a woman know she is DONE having kids?  I asked my mom, her response was that she didn't want all five of us and after the fifth she just wanted to have sex and not worry about getting pregnant (true story).  I asked my mother in law, she kept having kids looking for a son and thank God she did because I married him.  What if you can financially support 30 kids, what if your heart wants 50, what if your sanity can handle 100?  How do you know?  Is it just part of our nature to always wonder, "what if I had another?".
I'm not saying I'm going to be the next TLC star who wears long denim skirts and pops out 19 kids (and counting) but I always wonder if this is it for us.  Will I adopt in the future?  Is this our family forever and always?
Perhaps it is a little harder for me to accept that I will be a family of four, you know that cool family that always gets the booths, since I come from a large family who always had to wait an hour to be seated by the kitchen or perhaps it is a decision that every single woman struggles with?  Another day, another struggle maybe?  Perhaps?

Beyoncé - Love On Top (Live)

Beyonce is preggers! I always get this sick excitement when a friend (not that Beyonce and I are besties) announces a pregnancy. Finally! Someone who can understand me! Finally! Someone who will not judge me for choosing a nice dinner over body shots! Finally! Someone who will understand that an email is much easier for me to reply to than a phone call! Then the song starts in my head, "boom boom boom, another one bites the dust!". You might be thinking that I am a cruel person and you are probably right but I have to explain myself before I receive tons of hate mail which I REALLY enjoy by the way. You see, I just get this high off of them judging me and now, now they will understand. That is all.
Now back to Beyonce, if you haven't watched the video yet, do it NOW! She basically pooped on every other pregnancy announcement in the world. After one hell of a routine she opened her blazer and caressed her bump or as she said, love growing inside of her (still makes me cackle!).
Since the video is under the copyright by Viacom, you are going to have to view it by clicking on the link below! Enjoy!

And if you don't know what click on the link means, it means click here >Beyoncé - Love On Top (Live)

Hurricane Irene

Word on the street is that there is a hurricane coming. I went to 4 different super markets last night.  Finally just went to Whole Foods since I figured people wouldn't be so frazzled there being that they don't eat much preservatives and all and you know what?  I was right!  I was able to buy the necessities to survive the hurricane.  Water, Nutella, Donuts, a baguette, you know the essential things in life.  What?  When someone says, non-perishable items, the first thing that pops in your mind aren't donuts?  The only con was that there weren't any pop tarts or Doritos.  Perhaps Whole foods is too high end for such things. Thankfully I voluntold my husband to buy some extras at the local Walgreens this morning.  
My husband mentioned that we would need weapons in case this turns into a super catastrophic event.  If you know my husband, you know he is probably as threatening as a kitten, so the thought of him having a weapon of any sort is hilarious.  He even went to the gym this morning to get pumped up I guess.  Sweet, sweet man.  
We are as ready as we will ever be for Irene's rude visit, I even ordered a couple of pizza pies since I like eating cold pizza anyway and wish you all tons of safety and skinny girl margaritas to pass the storm.  Stay safe!

Grateful

THANK YOU! MERCI! GRACIAS! OBRIGADO! GRATZI!  Thank you all so much for your votes!  I am in absolute shock that I have so many supporters!  Each single vote means the world to me.  It is so touching to see my friends post on their personal pages and ask their friends and family to vote for my blog.  It was an honor to be nominated for an award from the one magazine every mom, whether it is a new mom to be or a mom of 20 children, will pick up and read.  What?  I'm on the Parents website!  That is already MAYJAH for me!  Even though I have so much respect and honor for Parents magazine, it is even more of an honor to see that you all actually like reading my stuff and believe in me.
My good friend asked me to start a blog after our daily emails of her telling me about her super exciting life.  She would tell me about her recent trip to Dubai, her feeling like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman while she was in Palm Springs (not the prostitute part, the fixing the turf with her heels part).  When she would ask me how my day was going, I would tell her about the poop in my nails, the shower I wasn't able to take, and the hair on my legs that I couldn't shave.  Well, I had no idea she was circulating the email and once I started my blog, it kind of became my safe place.  While people tell me that I'm funny, I really don't understand why.  I kind of suffer from an illness called diarrhea of the mouth and am still working on my filter.  I spit out whatever is on my mind and since everyone else thinks it, I guess it makes them giggle.
Anyway!  The voting ends on October 15th.  If you haven't voted but want to, you can click here OR you can click on the pink button on the upper right hand corner on this page and submit your vote.  Thank you for the nomination and an even bigger thank you for voting!  Love you! MEAN IT!

Shakin' in my boots!

So, there was just an earthquake and it seems like everyone felt it but my mother, my mailman and of course me.  I live about a 3 minute drive from Times Square and felt nada!  As I was ending a call with my friend who lives in Long Island, I received an intercepting call from my husband.  "My building was just swaying! I think there was just an earthquake", he said.  "Get the hell out of the building!  Don't you remember what happened in 9/11!", I responded.  "No, I have a meeting at 2 o'clock", said my responsible husband. "Okay, so where are the insurance papers again?", said his smart wife...
I wish everyone safety and hope that everyone in Virginia is fine along with everyone else who felt the shake!  Let's hope and pray that this is the last one we ever feel!  Stay safe everyone!

I'm a slaaave for you!

You know how it is, you make your order, you get that confirmation email along with the glorious tracking number and then, you stalk.  You stalk the UPS website for those key words, "in transit", "out for delivery" and of course the ETA.
When my husband got home from work yesterday, he asked about his package that I was eagerly waiting for and was "out for delivery" all day.  I informed him that the package had not yet arrived and because of my waiting by the door all day, I didn't have time to make dinner (wink wink).  We waited 15 minutes until 7, which is the cut off time for a regular ground package and went out to our favorite diner which holds the hottest host ever!  So hot that even my husband calls him Clark Kent.  ANYWAY!  After dinner we come back home to find that UPS came at 7:10.  CRAP!  Well, onto day 2 and I wake up early, make the girls breakfast (pop tarts) and have a seat with them at the table to chat.  Well, I saw the man of the hour in his brown uniform walk past the windows to my front door and before he could ring the door bell, stood up and passed out.  If you have never fainted before, I will explain to you what happens because I consider myself a professional in fainting spells, so your brain is still working, you hear everything around you, you just can't move or control your body.  Okay, back at the ranch, so I faint and the doorbell rings.  Inside my mind I'm thinking, "No!  I don't want to waste another day waiting for the package!  Must get up!  Must get up!"  My girls came over to me because they're kind of used to this too and grabbed the phone to call my husband.  They get him on the phone and explain to him that mommy is sleeping on the floor.  As I heard the UPS man's boots walk away from my home, I gained control of my body again and grabbed the phone.  "I missed the UPS man!", I told my husband.  My husband responded by saying, "Are the girls okay?".  Then it hit me, what if the girls would have opened the door?  What if it was just a random guy dressed up in a UPS uniform that was going to start with me with his serial killer case (Yes, I'm obsessed with the ID channel)?  What if we would have all been murdered and turned into a Lifetime movie?!  This just proves what a slave I am to the UPS man, so much of a slave that in my fainting slumber, I only thought about the package instead of my daughters' safety.  Thankfully we are safe and so is my sanity because he left my package at the door.  Sweet, sweet man!

Date Night

My husband loves going out to dinner, no it isn't because I'm a terrible cook.  It's because we don't have a dishwasher which means, I cook, he washes dishes (not because he's my love slave but because I'm allergic to dish-washing liquid) and sometimes he's just not up for it.  He called me today and reminded me that I have not left my house in almost a week.  I am a hermit, I could live in my house and never leave for the rest of my life.  I have no idea what stir crazy means because I love being home!  Stick some food through the chute for me and we are good to go.
Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about.  So, he called me up and told me to get jazzed up to go out to dinner tonight.  My girls are pretty well behaved when we go out to dinner but of course like every child, they have their days, well, Penelope has her days.  She will be great for appetizers and by the time entrees come along, so does mommy's indigestion.  This is why I have developed a strategy for going out to dinner.  When the hostess escorts us to our table, I tailgate her like nobody's business because I want to strategically position myself in a manner, that makes my husband the go to guy when the girls need to go potty, drop a utensil, want to switch seats, etc.  I also make sure I hold the good kid's hand so I'm not stuck with the sometimes terror.  It also works if you volunteer to hold the jackets, bags or whatever extra stuff you are carrying on your side of the table and make sure you create a barricade with such things.  This strategy will allow you to enjoy a pleasant meal and not worry about indigestion.  So, you are probably judging me and wondering if my husband enjoys his meal.  I don't care, my husband enjoys his breakfast, lunch and snacks at a quiet office without the arguments of who started what, who pushed who and of course who had it first.  I deserve to enjoy my dinner and extra large obnoxious drink from time to time while sitting next to my good child or barricade, whatever works.